How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
can’t catch a break
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”