Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
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Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment