A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Always
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot