Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
my fav colour is also hitler
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
😂😂😂
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*