When news reporters do sports stories
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*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.