I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
You Might Also Like
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it