“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
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I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The booster protects against what, now?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it