Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
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I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies