When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
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If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary