*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.