Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
For those that worship cheese..
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.