What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave