You Might Also Like
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform