[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.