[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
the #horror is real!
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.