The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Maths meets science
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My what?
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.