[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?