I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.