*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.