My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..