I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
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Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
mentally somewhere in italy
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
S/o to @funTweeters .
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?