I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Have a lovely day 😊
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
💁🏻♂️
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I’ve been drinking.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did