fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.