Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
You Might Also Like
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”