Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*