First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.