The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My favorite female superhero
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.