Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
You Might Also Like
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all