Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
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4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Meanwhile in Canada…
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I’M CRYINGGG
i dont have time for this
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”