If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.