[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
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I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice