North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
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What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
that wasn’t the question
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.