Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
You Might Also Like
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Just how popey was the pope today?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee