papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.