I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Sharon, call the vet