A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Comparing yourself to others
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”