Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.