*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
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Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The sacred texts.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Overindulged this afternoon.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.