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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..