Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us