I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
What’s a Messi?