C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.