therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”