“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Gemma Correll
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.