I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
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[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
this has done me in for some reason
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble