Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
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Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
thanksgiving in nutshell
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo