* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Botany good plants lately?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Body by Oreos
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.