America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.