I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You Might Also Like
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
not for long
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
when someone rings the doorbell
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u