Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
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Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Mornin
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.